So I’ve said from the beginning, I want this blog to be a true representation of experience here. I want to share the amazing things I’m experiencing over here, but I also want to be able to be vulnerable and honest and say that life’s not always roses here for me. It’s been quite awhile since I’ve taken on this tone, but I think it’s important. I want to share my journey with you.
I know I use the statement ‘God is teaching me so much while I’m over here,’ but I feel like I’m not always as specific as I’d like to be. I think its b/c for me to share what God is teaching me is to admit that I fall short in many areas. I know this is something we all know, but to put yourself out there and share with others, can be a tough thing to do. Which, I feel this is all ironic, b/c I’ve always thought I was a pretty open and honest person and being vulnerable doesn’t scare me away. I’m learning though, there are differences. I am completely okay with being honest about my feelings… I’m not scared of them. I can embrace them. Many people think I wear my heart on my sleeve… I would try to debate that, but there’s no use, it’s the truth. If I am frustrated, you will know. If I’m excited, you will know. If I’m loving life or hating life, you will be able to read me.
But, I’m beginning to realize that when it comes to admitting my short comings, I’m not always the first to raise my hand and share openly. I feel like I am a good listener, so it’s always been easier for me to focus the conversation on others. Sometimes I feel like I know more then I’d like, but that’s okay… I enjoy this role that I play in others lives. It’s funny that I’ve only been in Korea for 4 months (which means I’ve only known these people for 4 months) and I’ve already fallen into that role here! Don’t get me wrong, I love it. I love relationships and I love hearing about people’s stories and I love helping people. I think many times people forget they have things to offer the world. I love helping them discover that again. But again, it’s easy for me to give my attention to others and not own up to my own baggage.
So, where is this all coming from you might be asking yourself… I mean this is supposed to be about my adventures in Korea, right?!? Well, it is. One of the main reasons I came to Korea was b/c I knew that God needed to mold me and He needed to chip away at things in my life. I know myself and in America it is very easy for me to get distracted and just go through my everyday life without thinking. It was a rut I was stuck in and I wanted to get out of.
I think God is beginning to shake me up a little. He is showing me that this thought of who I was is not really who I am at all. I’m not saying I’m going through some type of identity crisis or anything, but I am saying that God is working in my life. He is showing me areas where I can grow. He is showing me my areas of strengths. I’m not going to lie, it’s tough to go through, but I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel through all of this!
Okay, this is me being in a very vulnerable state right now. Before I came to Korea, I thought I was a pretty giving person. However, God is showing me that at times I can be very selfish. There are many times when I think of my self before others. There are many times that I am disgusted by my actions or my thoughts. When you move to another country, you quickly can figure out what your short comings are. I know God is challenging me in this area. He continually gives me situations where I have to choose to either think of myself or think of others. I am not saying I always choose the right thing, but I can say that God is faithful and He is teaching me to love others the way He does. He is putting difficult people into my life b/c I need to learn to love the unlovable. I feel this is what He has called us all to do! I am convicted often of this. This is where ‘wearing my heart on my sleeve’ can get me into trouble sometimes. But God’s grace that He extends to me is a gentle reminder daily that I in return need to offer grace to others. Grace is not something we earn or deserve, it’s a gift.
I’ve also been reminded (b/c this is not the first time I’ve realized this) that without being connected to a church body, I feel disconnected in every other area of my life. This is something I have many conversations with God about. It is not in my character for me to jump in and start doing things if I don’t know people. I’m more then welcome to help if I am asked; in fact, I truly long to be asked. God is teaching me though that it is my responsibility to get involved and to use my talents. He did not give them to me to be wasted or to be horded for myself. Again, this is a learning process and I’m working up the courage to do this. I have started a small group though and God is using those individuals to help us all be connected on a deeper spiritual level.
My experience here is not quite like I was expecting. I tried to come in with no expectations, but that’s almost impossible to do. Without knowing it, I had a picture in my head about what it was going to be like. I thought I would come to Korea and fall in love with the people and this place. I thought I would beam with passion. But honestly, that has not been my experience thus far. Don’t hear me wrong, I am enjoying my experience. I like it here a lot! I am so glad I am doing this and I know without a doubt this is exactly where God wants me to be. It is difficult sometimes though b/c I am not passionate about this place. I have had to work through this and allow myself to be okay with not being passionate about it. Sometimes we do things that we don’t absolutely love and that is perfectly okay. There is nothing wrong with me and there is nothing wrong with Korea. I know this is not where I want to be for the rest of my life, but for now it’s good. This is where I find my inner conflict though. I need to remember that I need to bloom where I am planted. I need to be content with where God has me now. I am learning things here that I would not be doing if I was at home. I really like Korea, but I don’t love it and that’s okay. I can’t compare my experience with another’s and expect it to be the same… I would be cheating myself out of MY adventure!
Through this, I’m reminded and I’m experiencing first hand what it means to be the Body of Christ. We all can’t be the mouth and we all can’t be the hands. Some of us need to be the feet and others need to be the ears. It’s easy to start comparing ourselves to others. Be careful though, that’s a dangerous game to play. That is something I have been doing more recently. I think it is more difficult over here, b/c there aren’t a lot of people like me (meaning Americas! J) It is very easy to compare our teaching abilities, or the fact that some of us have more relationships with Koreans than others, or who knows more Korean than who, or insert any other thing you can think of here. This can be a very slippery slope. This is definitely one of those things that are difficult to not do and it’s a constant battle everyday. However, I must remind myself that I found freedom in the Lord. I am free to be me b/c of Him. This thought alone comforts my fears.
I would have to say the biggest thing I’ve learned thus far though is to not to stress as much as I have in the past. If I have something come up, I take it to the Lord. There is a certain peace about this. Sure, it’s easy to say, but not always as easy to follow. Again, I’m still learning and there are times I don’t go to Him first. Those tend to be some difficult moments for me, b/c I try to do it on my own. I can breathe easier though after I give it to Him and trust that I don’t have to worry about it anymore. Philippians 4:5-7 has helped me to sustain this: 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
So, this is me being vulnerable. This is me wearing my heart on my sleeve. And this is me, sharing with you, what God is doing in my life. I find great comfort in knowing that I can share with you what God is doing in my life. It’s an adventure, but I wouldn’t have it any other way! Thanks for all of your prayers and encouragement! Even though I love to visit Islands, I don’t ever want to become one!
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